January 8, 2006
the battle of Udo Kier
One winter morning, after a strange episode wherein we awoke to find the barge missing (Sophia was brave enough to go to Pirate Cove and negotiate with the scoundrels who had taken it) the crew found themselves unexpectedly under attack …
COMMISIONER SCEPTER: Sophia, did you get the boat back?
SOPHIA: Got the boat back, but the pirates insisted that I take their Udo Kier blow up doll. Weird, right? He’s in the breaking the waves cabin… beware bargateers, I think he’s a bit seasick.
SCEPTER: I don’t think he’s seasick, just a bit deflated. I’ll blow him up a bit. Better mount Eric Dolphin on him and scan his electrical nubs, just to be on the safe side.
MAJOR SCIENTIST: Holy katz, these nubs are off the charts!!
COORDINATOR MATHEWS: Hang on, Geoff. I’ve got a chart for those nubs.
THE MAJOR: Hairy Christendom! That chart is off the hook!
SCEPTER: Alright, hold on, I’m unmounting Eric Dolphin from Udo Kier blow up doll. Someone grab those nubs and pull, he doesn’t want to release Eric Dolphin. Shit, Shaggy will have my hide if we can’t release Eric Dolphin.
THE MAJOR: Shaggy’s still sleeping on the roof. We’ve probably got about four hours before he’s awake and the green tea kicks in. We’ve got to somehow distract Udo Keir Blowup Dahl. Quick, Dave! Show him your tits!
OFFICER DAVE CHO: them nubs are strong … Udo look at these….want a feel??? Yeah that’s it, that’s it right here. Damn, what’s that sound? sshzz, ssh, shhtzz Oh no I think Shaggy is waking up!!
SCEPTER: Watch it! Dave! He’s making a nub to nub lock with your nipples! Don’t. Let. Them. Touch.
THE MAJOR: Oh Sweet Baby Gandhi. Look at that. I’ve never seen that happen before.—Dave? Can you hear me? Are you alive?—What is this… pod made out of? Is Dave even in there? Ew. It’s slimy. And that smell. Like cat spray fried with liver and oranges. Dave?—Dave??
DAVE: mmmfmmfffph hmmphmm mmmhphmph
MATHEWS: Somebody should poke it with a stick.
THE MAJOR: Not it.
SCEPTER: Oh, this is bad. Udo Kier blow up doll has podded Dave and Eric Dolphin into his nubs.—Oh, god, you’re right about that smell. Maybe we should just leave them?
DAVE: i’m mmm not hmmpmh hmmpp
Inside the Nub
SKIPPER NOLAN: Why is it so dark in here…is that you Dave?
DAVE: Dave? Who is that?
On Deck
JIMMY: Will it be allergic to this fill-to-the brim milkpail?
DAVE: no, hmph no jim ,hjjommpmmmm.
THE MAJOR: It seems to be lactose tolerant. Do we have any weed killer? Or just weed?
DAVE: get me out…hmmmo, shhagmmm ee, shaggy is in hmmmmphsss.
YEOMAN SCHWARTZ: Udo no diddily. But do he no yawn? Jan? Jan? Jaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnnnnnn!!!
THE MAJOR: My god. The Jan Hammer robot has Schwartz. Quick! Unplug his keytar!!
SCEPTER: This is serious! Maybe a drastic idea, but I think we should release Rene Zellweggagar from Core Base.
DAVE: yes yes Rene, mmmhmm, mmmpfphffphffff
THE MAJOR: Great Scott Baio’s Girdle, you can’t be serious.
DAVE: mmmhmmm serious.
THE MAJOR: May I remind you just what it is you’re suggesting?
SCEPTER: You can bet your Chachi I’m serious. I’ve got the Core Base Game’s Keeper on the horn right now. All I need is one more ranking Barger to okay the plan.—Hold on Dave and Eric Dolphin, help is on the way.—I know it’s risky, Major, but do you want Dave and Erie Dolphin living the rest of their lives like this? Just look at that discharge.
SCHWARTZ: wait! who’s jack white in this scenario? or am I kenny chesney?
THE MAJOR: Shhh. Calm down, Brian, or you’ll awaken the Jan Hammer. You’re still only partially disconnected.—Okay, fine. LET’S DO IT.
PROFESSOR BOY: This is a scenario? Then i’m playing me but with nicer pants
SCEPTER: We got to move quickly, he’s got Shaggy too. Fred, Release the creature!!!—Oh, God, it’s hideous!
THE MAJOR: It’s coming for me! OH GOD NO NO NO AAAAaaphlllphffffffffppptttthhhhtttttt.
PROFESSOR: MY PANTS!!!!!! nooooooOO!!!!
sputter
THE MAJOR: Give us the brain receptacle. Zelweger COMMANDS IT.
DAVE: Hello Children be not afraid, for I’ve traveled beyond the beyond and beyond. Step inside the pod. Nub nub It’s warm and soothing nubby nub nub nub—Shhhzzz—make yourself comfortable. This won’t hurt a bit nub.—Behold Seany see how quietly he sleeps. Zellewegger and Chesney are being prepared as we speak. And duggies pants are well fitted.—Come, nub nub nub nubby nubby
SCEPTER: Mother of sweetness, what have we done? nubby nub nub There’s no stopping them.—Evacuate the barge! Forgive me friends, I’ve failed you all.
JIMMY: Ye of the Pod, eat this bun. bun. It is tasty. bun. Like the most new ever bun bun
PROFESSSOR: I’m priming the electro-genital-pocket-tickle and throwing it against the metal on the hull. It’s our last chance. Everyone touch someone you hate and poot something or someone between your teeth.
SCEPTER: Wait, wait, help, what, oh I’ve forgotten how to poot, oh shit, grab something!
PROFESSOR: Put and Poo! Put and Poo, Lance! ARRRGghhghGHHGHHHhhHH!!!
DAVE: my nub my nub my nub my lovely nubby nubs
THE MAJOR: RENE COMMANDS YOU— POOT YOUR NUBS IN THE POD— POOT YOUR PIBB IN SOMEONE YOU HATE— RENE COMMANDS YOU
JIMMY: I will poot to boot
SCEPTER: Duggie, give it another blast of the E.G.P.T.! I’ve set a Kevin Costner trap. That’s should lure it out into open. I’m pooting it in right now. Go!
PROFESSOR: ok, lemme just … hey! who has the genito-tickler?—Dylan, a bikini check if you please, ASAP
SCEPTER: Looks like we may be in this pickle until tomorrow. Better set up camp and wait out the night. Someone pass the veggie marshmallows. And the schnapps.
The log ends here. How the nubs were destroyed and Udo Kier thwarted is recorded only in the scarred memories of the crew, who will never tell me what occurred after I took refuge to sew up my pants.
Posted by dougrice at 9:33 PM